Seriously, GET OUT.

i will admit there are parts of me that are becoming a little sad about the end of this pregnancy. i think it's probably difficult to realize how special this time is until after it's over, so i promise i'm trying to cherish it. and i do love feeling her move around and watching my belly roll and jump. however, her movements are also becoming painful. she's very low - engaged - and there's just so much pressure that its painful to walk sometimes. its also painful to sit because my back hurts and her little feet are in my ribs. she has been enjoying playing my bladder like its a bongo drum, and so i have to go to the bathroom, um, about 100 times a day. and its difficult to lay b/c the weight of my belly hurts my back and of course the belly needs support - so basically, i'm uncomfortable. very, very uncomfortable. my husband, bless his heart, asked me to hand him something off the floor this morning, and all i could do was look at him. reaching the floor, is just not happening at this point. he even has to tie my shoes for our daily walk. and its not like its just a little uncomfortable to bend, it just doesn't happen. my body literally stops, mid-bend, and will go no further. so, yeah, I'M OVER IT.

and i feel like this has been the most difficult part of this pregnancy. i held my breath for 36 weeks, scared at first about miscarriage and then about preterm delivery. and at 37 weeks, i finally breathed easier. she could come then and all would most likely be well. i had done my job and kept this little one in and let her grow. but, it seems as soon as i breathed that sigh of relief, the real anxiety began. every twitch feels like it could be the real thing. i was 2cm dilated at an appointment nearly two weeks ago (at 37 weeks, 3 days), and i was convinced i would go at any moment. i repacked my bag, cleaned the carpets, baked - essentially went into full nesting mode. AND, NOTHING. at this week's appointment this cervix of mine had not budged. my doctor even said he expected i would still be pregnant next week, and then we talked induction. INDUCTION, people. i have been so convinced that i would go before 40 weeks that discussing an induction for week 41, completely depressed me.

so, here i am. still pregnant. each night i go to bed thinking, "i'll bet this is the night. my water will definitely break tonight." and, nothing. so, as i close in on 40 weeks, i'm feeling a little desperate. i know that this baby isn't technically due for another 6 days, but i blame my OB. they should have just never uttered the words full term.

so yeah, castor oil is looking better with every passing moment...

GET. OUT.

GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT.

these are my words of advice and encouragement for the little one. Now, seriously, GET OUT. i don't want to be nauseous anymore. i don't want to freeze up with the slightest twinge of a contraction thinking, THIS IS IT! only to be sorely let down. I don't want to have to depend on someone else in order to get off the couch, and i am ridiculously tired of having to literally roll out of bed in order to pee for the 5000000000 time in one night. SO, really, GET OUT. Mommy loves you and is ready to meet you, so please, PLEASE, GET OUT ALREADY!

Shout out to my husband...

I have to praise my husband for a minute...

i know, no one else really cares about this but me, but i just have to do it. after listening to some family drama tonight, i realized how lucky i am to have him. don't get me wrong, i have always known how wonderful he is - even when he is driving me crazy. but, somehow listening to all the petty crap that can go on with people, i just love him even more. he is so kind and thoughtful, and always, and i do mean ALWAYS, puts himself last. he is so excited about our coming little one and obsessed - in a healthy way - with providing a great life for her. he works hard each day and does things that he doesn't like doing all that much simply because he knows it will benefit our little family. i just can't praise him enough for all that he does for us. i may be cranky and full of hormones right now, but when i can see through the haze of the baby-craziness that is my body at the moment, i just feel all tingly and like a stupid school girl with how much i love him.

so, in case you're out there wondering what to look for in the man of your dreams, i can tell you: just give the really nice, truly wonderful and generous guy that you meet a chance. it may be a slow process because he cares too much to jump right in, and you're probably accustomed to playing stupid games, but once you're in, he won't go anywhere, and you'll be praying every day that he doesn't. and when you are pregnant and have children, you will be incredibly grateful that you chose this amazing man. because, as i am already learning, there is no greater gift you can give your child than a loving, selfless parent.

HOLY. CRAP.

36 weeks and 2 days pregnant....FIVE days until i am full term. FIVE DAYS PEOPLE. Now, given that i have relentless heartburn, and am constantly sweating, am still waking up with charlie horses, and peeing every five minutes, you would think i would be UBER excited about little bit getting the heck out of me. and i am. i swear. i am MORE than ready for this kid to not be wiggling around in my ribs and kicking my cervix anymore. however, HOLY CRAP. i will have a real, live baby to feed and change and burp and rock and somehow teach to be a good person. what am i going to do with a baby?!? perhaps these are questions i should have asked ahead of time, you say. well, yes, i do see how that could have been beneficial. in reality, i did ask myself how it would all work, but the haze of baby-making bliss got in the way. before pregnancy, sleepless nights seem almost glamorous. changing 10+ diapers a day seems fun. learning to breast and/or bottle feed appears exciting. but, now, here i am, about to bring home a live, breathing, moving, crying baby and i am scared out of my mind.

oh, and lets not forget about the hours of labor that are yet to come. i have started to become a bit TERRIFIED about where exactly she will be coming out. i have always wanted pain intervention, but now i'm starting to get a bit wigged out about putting a big ole needle into my spine. and c-sections? don't even get me started. it all just scares me. i know BILLIONS of women have done it before. i know BILLIONS of women will do it after me. but, people, i just don't care. i have never squeezed a watermelon out of my hooha and the thought is just a *leeetle* bit intimidating.

so, as things get going, if you hear relentless weeping and moaning, just know its me wondering what it is exactly that i have gotten myself into. hopefully, i make it through to the blissful part... and yeah...i actually really can't wait to meet the little one!

OB rage...

I am now 34 weeks and one day pregnant, but on friday of last week, at exactly 33 weeks, i woke up sick. now, this would not have been SO bad, if this weren't the FOURTH time i have been sick since being pregnant. each time, it's started out the same. congestion, sore throat, basic feeling of dying slowly. the first time - around 7 weeks - the OB essentially acted like i wasn't "pregnant enough" to treat and told me to see my primary care physician. my primary didn't want to b/c guess what? the OB should do that. it was a constant running in circles. eventually, the primary treated me, thank goodness. by the the time i was sick this time, i was fed up. i had an appointment with the OB on monday already scheduled and was determined she was going to freaking treat me. i BEGGED her for some medicine - oh and this is after ending up in labor and delivery because the baby wasn't moving like she should, which also was contributed to my being sick. anyway, with the OB i calmly explained that it was near impossible to get into my primary care physician when sick, and that i knew this was a sinus infection or something similar, b/c well, i know my body, and Robitussin DOESN'T FREAKIN' WORK! her response, just tell her that we want you to be seen, blame it on us. WOW, thanks for your concern.

so, since my primary care physician couldn't see me for three weeks, i ended up at urgent care. and guess what? after a 2.5 hour wait, i was told i have bronchitis. BRONCHITIS, people. i have asthma. i have ended up in the ER once this pregnancy b/c of asthma. and you know what? bronchitis and asthma DON'T MIX, especially when there is a baby depending on my ability to breathe to survive.

finally, i have an anitbiotic, and though still wheezing and coughing and in general feeling like i am dying a slow death, things are looking up. the thing that makes me ANGRY though is that the OB didn't bother to follow through on anything. i never get sick, except for the ocassional sinus infection, and so my educated guess is that b/c they wouldn't treat me the first time i was sick, it never fully went away. and now, seven months later, it has developed into something much more serious. and being sick brings so many implications for pregnancy and preterm birth. i know i am dehydrated. that can lead to preterm birth. i can't eat anything usually, and when i have eaten its been ice cream for the last week b/c it helps my throat. that's not good for baby's development. again, i have asthma, cannot breathe like i should, which means baby may not be getting the air she should. the whole thing just makes me angry. i depend on them to protect my baby and her health and well-being. the fact that my health - which is the only way she gets her health - has been so disregarded this entire pregnancy just frankly, pisses me off. and you know, i probably wouldn't feel angry at all if just once the OB - any OB in the practice - had bothered to pick up the phone and coordinate care, but instead, they're too busy, and i'm just not important enough. heaven forbid i get more than the 2 minutes they spend with me at each appointment.

in other words...next pregnancy, a very different OB, and next appointment, a very angry patient who expresses her feelings very honestly.

Hiccups...

Yep, le babe has the hiccups. and i totally dig it. Really, it is the cutest, sweetest thing to feel her hiccuping. She's been going for several minutes now, and since i know it doesn't bother or harm her, i kinda hope she keeps it up. I know i've complained about the trials and sufferings of pregnancy, but feeling her move is something i'm completely into. and feeling the constant, rhythmic movements of the hiccups is even better.
i will admit, that despite my whining on here about not enjoying pregnancy, i am beginning to realize i will miss it a bit. don't get me wrong, i will not miss the constant craving for food, any food, the very fast weight gain, the limited mobility, the cramps or the sore back. i will, however, miss having her right here with me, protected from the outside world, and i will miss it being just the two of us. really, its an intimacy that i can't explain properly. i think about it often. when i'm with friends, or in church, or in class or wherever, i think about the fact that this tiny little person is inside me, hanging out, and no one else is privy to that. i'm the only one that knows when and if she's moving. i'm the only one who can tell if she's punching me, stretching or rolling around. and i'm always aware of her, whereas other people know i'm pregnant but they don't get the enormity of the baby inside of me. there is just no way to explain how special that is. so yeah. there are lots of things that i don't like about this, as i've mentioned. but the cool parts, so outweigh any of those.

The latest scoop...

SO, i am just a few days away from entering the third trimester and i couldn't be more excited. this pregnancy thing is for the birds. now, don't get me wrong, i absolutely love laying here and watching and feeling her move. its really very cool to see her roll around in my belly. but, i'm ready to meet her. and to get my body back, and to get rid of all the latest pregnancy symptoms. not only has my back been killing me, but i have been waking up at night screaming with horrific charlie horses. OUCH! it has been the most surprising symptom so far. i don't think any of my friends had them, but when i told my mom about it she said, "yeah, i got cramps a lot when i was pregnant." you think you could've warned me??? actually, i don't think she remembered until i brought it up, but still, a heads up from someone would have been nice!

oh, and this whole being fat thing. UGH. take it away! i gained five pounds in 3 weeks! Three weeks! how is that even humanly possible? i've gained a total of about 23 pounds. the doctor, who hasn't talked to me about weight one bit - not even to tell me how much to gain - told me that if i don't slow down on the weight gain, they will send me to a nutritionist. i passed my gestational diabetes test, which by the way, will make you want to throw up, so just be prepared. and i thought passing it would really show that i'm healthy and in no need to really monitor my diet that closely. but now, they've made me feel like a horrible mother for gaining weight. but yet, i'm still very much within the recommended range. so, i've decided to start trying to follow a gestational diabetes diet - which just really cuts down on the carbs, which is what the NP said to do. so, we'll see how it goes.

and there's this...people randomly asking you what you're having, when you're due and what name you've chosen? on the one hand, its sweet, on the other it freaks me out. but then, there's the attempt at a compliment that just basically says, "You fat ass". like my dad, for instance, who picked me up from the airport this weekend and said, "they need to take you back to the doctor. there's no way you only have one kid in there. you're too big." WOW, daddy. thanks so much for telling me what a heifer i am. i mean, just don't make comments about how BIG a pregnant girl is. she doesn't like it. it doesn't make her feel like she has a healthy baby. it makes her feel like a failure for gaining weight and not having a basketball belly. so, just in case you didn't know, just don't comment. she'd rather not know you're noticing how big her belly, her boobs and everything else are.