Seriously, GET OUT.

i will admit there are parts of me that are becoming a little sad about the end of this pregnancy. i think it's probably difficult to realize how special this time is until after it's over, so i promise i'm trying to cherish it. and i do love feeling her move around and watching my belly roll and jump. however, her movements are also becoming painful. she's very low - engaged - and there's just so much pressure that its painful to walk sometimes. its also painful to sit because my back hurts and her little feet are in my ribs. she has been enjoying playing my bladder like its a bongo drum, and so i have to go to the bathroom, um, about 100 times a day. and its difficult to lay b/c the weight of my belly hurts my back and of course the belly needs support - so basically, i'm uncomfortable. very, very uncomfortable. my husband, bless his heart, asked me to hand him something off the floor this morning, and all i could do was look at him. reaching the floor, is just not happening at this point. he even has to tie my shoes for our daily walk. and its not like its just a little uncomfortable to bend, it just doesn't happen. my body literally stops, mid-bend, and will go no further. so, yeah, I'M OVER IT.

and i feel like this has been the most difficult part of this pregnancy. i held my breath for 36 weeks, scared at first about miscarriage and then about preterm delivery. and at 37 weeks, i finally breathed easier. she could come then and all would most likely be well. i had done my job and kept this little one in and let her grow. but, it seems as soon as i breathed that sigh of relief, the real anxiety began. every twitch feels like it could be the real thing. i was 2cm dilated at an appointment nearly two weeks ago (at 37 weeks, 3 days), and i was convinced i would go at any moment. i repacked my bag, cleaned the carpets, baked - essentially went into full nesting mode. AND, NOTHING. at this week's appointment this cervix of mine had not budged. my doctor even said he expected i would still be pregnant next week, and then we talked induction. INDUCTION, people. i have been so convinced that i would go before 40 weeks that discussing an induction for week 41, completely depressed me.

so, here i am. still pregnant. each night i go to bed thinking, "i'll bet this is the night. my water will definitely break tonight." and, nothing. so, as i close in on 40 weeks, i'm feeling a little desperate. i know that this baby isn't technically due for another 6 days, but i blame my OB. they should have just never uttered the words full term.

so yeah, castor oil is looking better with every passing moment...

GET. OUT.

GET OUT. GET OUT. GET OUT.

these are my words of advice and encouragement for the little one. Now, seriously, GET OUT. i don't want to be nauseous anymore. i don't want to freeze up with the slightest twinge of a contraction thinking, THIS IS IT! only to be sorely let down. I don't want to have to depend on someone else in order to get off the couch, and i am ridiculously tired of having to literally roll out of bed in order to pee for the 5000000000 time in one night. SO, really, GET OUT. Mommy loves you and is ready to meet you, so please, PLEASE, GET OUT ALREADY!

Shout out to my husband...

I have to praise my husband for a minute...

i know, no one else really cares about this but me, but i just have to do it. after listening to some family drama tonight, i realized how lucky i am to have him. don't get me wrong, i have always known how wonderful he is - even when he is driving me crazy. but, somehow listening to all the petty crap that can go on with people, i just love him even more. he is so kind and thoughtful, and always, and i do mean ALWAYS, puts himself last. he is so excited about our coming little one and obsessed - in a healthy way - with providing a great life for her. he works hard each day and does things that he doesn't like doing all that much simply because he knows it will benefit our little family. i just can't praise him enough for all that he does for us. i may be cranky and full of hormones right now, but when i can see through the haze of the baby-craziness that is my body at the moment, i just feel all tingly and like a stupid school girl with how much i love him.

so, in case you're out there wondering what to look for in the man of your dreams, i can tell you: just give the really nice, truly wonderful and generous guy that you meet a chance. it may be a slow process because he cares too much to jump right in, and you're probably accustomed to playing stupid games, but once you're in, he won't go anywhere, and you'll be praying every day that he doesn't. and when you are pregnant and have children, you will be incredibly grateful that you chose this amazing man. because, as i am already learning, there is no greater gift you can give your child than a loving, selfless parent.

HOLY. CRAP.

36 weeks and 2 days pregnant....FIVE days until i am full term. FIVE DAYS PEOPLE. Now, given that i have relentless heartburn, and am constantly sweating, am still waking up with charlie horses, and peeing every five minutes, you would think i would be UBER excited about little bit getting the heck out of me. and i am. i swear. i am MORE than ready for this kid to not be wiggling around in my ribs and kicking my cervix anymore. however, HOLY CRAP. i will have a real, live baby to feed and change and burp and rock and somehow teach to be a good person. what am i going to do with a baby?!? perhaps these are questions i should have asked ahead of time, you say. well, yes, i do see how that could have been beneficial. in reality, i did ask myself how it would all work, but the haze of baby-making bliss got in the way. before pregnancy, sleepless nights seem almost glamorous. changing 10+ diapers a day seems fun. learning to breast and/or bottle feed appears exciting. but, now, here i am, about to bring home a live, breathing, moving, crying baby and i am scared out of my mind.

oh, and lets not forget about the hours of labor that are yet to come. i have started to become a bit TERRIFIED about where exactly she will be coming out. i have always wanted pain intervention, but now i'm starting to get a bit wigged out about putting a big ole needle into my spine. and c-sections? don't even get me started. it all just scares me. i know BILLIONS of women have done it before. i know BILLIONS of women will do it after me. but, people, i just don't care. i have never squeezed a watermelon out of my hooha and the thought is just a *leeetle* bit intimidating.

so, as things get going, if you hear relentless weeping and moaning, just know its me wondering what it is exactly that i have gotten myself into. hopefully, i make it through to the blissful part... and yeah...i actually really can't wait to meet the little one!

OB rage...

I am now 34 weeks and one day pregnant, but on friday of last week, at exactly 33 weeks, i woke up sick. now, this would not have been SO bad, if this weren't the FOURTH time i have been sick since being pregnant. each time, it's started out the same. congestion, sore throat, basic feeling of dying slowly. the first time - around 7 weeks - the OB essentially acted like i wasn't "pregnant enough" to treat and told me to see my primary care physician. my primary didn't want to b/c guess what? the OB should do that. it was a constant running in circles. eventually, the primary treated me, thank goodness. by the the time i was sick this time, i was fed up. i had an appointment with the OB on monday already scheduled and was determined she was going to freaking treat me. i BEGGED her for some medicine - oh and this is after ending up in labor and delivery because the baby wasn't moving like she should, which also was contributed to my being sick. anyway, with the OB i calmly explained that it was near impossible to get into my primary care physician when sick, and that i knew this was a sinus infection or something similar, b/c well, i know my body, and Robitussin DOESN'T FREAKIN' WORK! her response, just tell her that we want you to be seen, blame it on us. WOW, thanks for your concern.

so, since my primary care physician couldn't see me for three weeks, i ended up at urgent care. and guess what? after a 2.5 hour wait, i was told i have bronchitis. BRONCHITIS, people. i have asthma. i have ended up in the ER once this pregnancy b/c of asthma. and you know what? bronchitis and asthma DON'T MIX, especially when there is a baby depending on my ability to breathe to survive.

finally, i have an anitbiotic, and though still wheezing and coughing and in general feeling like i am dying a slow death, things are looking up. the thing that makes me ANGRY though is that the OB didn't bother to follow through on anything. i never get sick, except for the ocassional sinus infection, and so my educated guess is that b/c they wouldn't treat me the first time i was sick, it never fully went away. and now, seven months later, it has developed into something much more serious. and being sick brings so many implications for pregnancy and preterm birth. i know i am dehydrated. that can lead to preterm birth. i can't eat anything usually, and when i have eaten its been ice cream for the last week b/c it helps my throat. that's not good for baby's development. again, i have asthma, cannot breathe like i should, which means baby may not be getting the air she should. the whole thing just makes me angry. i depend on them to protect my baby and her health and well-being. the fact that my health - which is the only way she gets her health - has been so disregarded this entire pregnancy just frankly, pisses me off. and you know, i probably wouldn't feel angry at all if just once the OB - any OB in the practice - had bothered to pick up the phone and coordinate care, but instead, they're too busy, and i'm just not important enough. heaven forbid i get more than the 2 minutes they spend with me at each appointment.

in other words...next pregnancy, a very different OB, and next appointment, a very angry patient who expresses her feelings very honestly.

Hiccups...

Yep, le babe has the hiccups. and i totally dig it. Really, it is the cutest, sweetest thing to feel her hiccuping. She's been going for several minutes now, and since i know it doesn't bother or harm her, i kinda hope she keeps it up. I know i've complained about the trials and sufferings of pregnancy, but feeling her move is something i'm completely into. and feeling the constant, rhythmic movements of the hiccups is even better.
i will admit, that despite my whining on here about not enjoying pregnancy, i am beginning to realize i will miss it a bit. don't get me wrong, i will not miss the constant craving for food, any food, the very fast weight gain, the limited mobility, the cramps or the sore back. i will, however, miss having her right here with me, protected from the outside world, and i will miss it being just the two of us. really, its an intimacy that i can't explain properly. i think about it often. when i'm with friends, or in church, or in class or wherever, i think about the fact that this tiny little person is inside me, hanging out, and no one else is privy to that. i'm the only one that knows when and if she's moving. i'm the only one who can tell if she's punching me, stretching or rolling around. and i'm always aware of her, whereas other people know i'm pregnant but they don't get the enormity of the baby inside of me. there is just no way to explain how special that is. so yeah. there are lots of things that i don't like about this, as i've mentioned. but the cool parts, so outweigh any of those.

The latest scoop...

SO, i am just a few days away from entering the third trimester and i couldn't be more excited. this pregnancy thing is for the birds. now, don't get me wrong, i absolutely love laying here and watching and feeling her move. its really very cool to see her roll around in my belly. but, i'm ready to meet her. and to get my body back, and to get rid of all the latest pregnancy symptoms. not only has my back been killing me, but i have been waking up at night screaming with horrific charlie horses. OUCH! it has been the most surprising symptom so far. i don't think any of my friends had them, but when i told my mom about it she said, "yeah, i got cramps a lot when i was pregnant." you think you could've warned me??? actually, i don't think she remembered until i brought it up, but still, a heads up from someone would have been nice!

oh, and this whole being fat thing. UGH. take it away! i gained five pounds in 3 weeks! Three weeks! how is that even humanly possible? i've gained a total of about 23 pounds. the doctor, who hasn't talked to me about weight one bit - not even to tell me how much to gain - told me that if i don't slow down on the weight gain, they will send me to a nutritionist. i passed my gestational diabetes test, which by the way, will make you want to throw up, so just be prepared. and i thought passing it would really show that i'm healthy and in no need to really monitor my diet that closely. but now, they've made me feel like a horrible mother for gaining weight. but yet, i'm still very much within the recommended range. so, i've decided to start trying to follow a gestational diabetes diet - which just really cuts down on the carbs, which is what the NP said to do. so, we'll see how it goes.

and there's this...people randomly asking you what you're having, when you're due and what name you've chosen? on the one hand, its sweet, on the other it freaks me out. but then, there's the attempt at a compliment that just basically says, "You fat ass". like my dad, for instance, who picked me up from the airport this weekend and said, "they need to take you back to the doctor. there's no way you only have one kid in there. you're too big." WOW, daddy. thanks so much for telling me what a heifer i am. i mean, just don't make comments about how BIG a pregnant girl is. she doesn't like it. it doesn't make her feel like she has a healthy baby. it makes her feel like a failure for gaining weight and not having a basketball belly. so, just in case you didn't know, just don't comment. she'd rather not know you're noticing how big her belly, her boobs and everything else are.

It's a.....

GIRL!!! We are so excited! i have always wanted a girl, dreaming of going shoe shopping, and buying dresses for Easter and Christmas and of course, the prom. I think girls are a blast (i mean, i am one, after all), and while i do believe they are probably a little tougher than boys during those teenage years, i have just always wanted a little girl. I can teach her to swim and dance, to be an excellent athlete while still being feminine, to take pride in doing well in school and beating all the boys, and eventually, far down the road, how to wear her makeup and to really dress appropriately for her age. i just can't wait to find out what she's like - if she'll be independent and headstrong like i am (yikes), if she'll have a heart of gold like her father and my mother (please!), if she'll be politically involved (a good little conservative, of course), where she'll go to college, and who she'll marry. of course, now that she's "real" to me, and that i can feel her moving inside me, the fear factor has drastically increased. i am terrified of letting her down somehow. will i be able to give her everything she needs and wants? will i be able to teach her how to be the person she wants to be? Will i be able to POTTY TRAIN her? how will i take the pacifier from her? how in the world am i going to be anything close to the kind of mom i dream of being? i obviously have so many thoughts rambling through my mind at all times, and considering i am dreaming about these things and not sleeping much, i can't let go of them! i think there's a part of me that is just so happy - i have a wonderful husband, a baby on the way, wonderful friends, a caring family - that i'm afraid if i breathe wrong it will all fall apart. for the first time in my life, i really do feel like i'm living in a fairytale - a fairytale where i worry about my baby and everything she will ever need - but a fairytale all the same. this is the part we should teach our daughters about: it takes time to find the right person to marry - he doesn't ride in on a white horse and sweep you away - and that marriage will take work and commitment. you should be true to yourself and your own dreams and never shut love out, but don't compromise who you are for some man. the right one will fit in with your life. and if you choose the right man, you will feel like you have obtained that fairytale when you are pregnant and you see how wonderful he is for your child. no money can buy you that kind of contentment.

so, now that SHE is here, or her sex is confirmed, rather, we are on to the name game.... let the games begin!

Oh, the things you'll do...

So, last night, i officially became a little crazy. i have read more than one article about how babies that are born into the NICU are given a blanket or toy of some type that the mother sleeps with to get her scent on it. This makes perfect sense to me, and i thought, hey, why not do that for my baby, NICU or not? so, last night, i slept with this little blankie that has a duck head on it that i bought when i was about 12 weeks along. and while i do think it will be nice for baby to have something that smells like me, i do also realize that i am a few days away from being half way there - which means i have 20 weeks left, or five months! can you even imagine what that little duck is going to be like if i sleep with it every night for the next five months? it will need to be washed, that's for sure, and then it will smell like detergent instead of me. i just can't let go of the idea, though. i actually really enjoyed sleeping with the little duckie. i felt like i had my baby there with me. obviously, the kid has been right there, safely tucked away into my belly the whole time, but having something physical to hold on to, made it a little more real. so, i'll probably keep doing it. and i'll wash it and maybe even throw it out and get a new one. but i like it. it makes me feel like a mother and like i'm doing something for the little one other than eat, sleep and get fat.

So that's what it's like...

So, today was a big day in this house for pregnancy. I felt - at least i believe i did - the baby's first kicks! well, i felt the baby's kicks for the first time. i'm nearly 18 weeks, and so part of me thinks that's a little early for a first pregnancy, but there's just no way to describe how i know it was a real baby kick. not gas (as all us pregnant women have) or hunger pangs, though i was hungry at the time, so maybe the baby was trying to tell me he/she wanted some chow. it felt almost like a little pulse up against my belly, twice, really quickly. not quite like a bubble, but similar. i haven't felt it since, but i am sure that was it. and i have to say, i really thought it may weird me out a little, but my only thoughts were, "please, do that again!" so, another milestone conquered - and the other cool thing... today is my grandfather's birthday. he died a little over a year ago, and i had been pretty sad today, but i think its awesome to get such a gift on this day. he would be incredibly excited.

Pregnancy Lesson Learned: No walking and reading

So, as usual, i was running out the door a few days ago for a function and grabbed my blackberry to read the directions i had sent myself. I had to find the email first, so i was scanning, searching and walking down the stairs all at once. I even thought to myself, like a responsible pregnant girl, that i really shouldn't be reading and walking down the stairs of my fourth floor walkup, or i should at a minimum hang on to the railing. Now, i imagine you can see where this is going, so i'll just come out with it...i fell down the stupid stairs. head first. my knees, right hip and right ankle caught me. i will admit i am having problems picturing that image and all that movement in my head, but that's how it happened. i missed a stair and just went down. the heel on my nearly brand-new cole haan pump caught the floor (i thought i had broken it), i hit my knees and ultimately landed on my right hip. my immediate reaction? i grabbed my belly and prayed. "PLEASE be okay," i begged God. in my heart, i knew the baby was most likely okay, but i felt like a horrible mom, and a COMPLETE IDIOT. really, that moment solidified my status as a klutz. especailly considering only moments before that, i had dropped the heavy end of my hairdryer onto my foot - the same foot whose ankle gave out when i hit. not a good day for the right side of my body. the kid probably enjoyed the ride and all the unexpected movement, but i would rather not do it again. of course, i called the doc, and he said everything was most likely fine. but the moment that made it very real was when he said if something was wrong, there wasn't much they could do about it at this point in the pregnancy (17 weeks at that time). so, really not a good idea to go falling down flights of stairs.

so the pregnancy lesson of the day? read the freaking blackberry while standing still, or really just to be safe, while sitting in a harness on a low couch or seat of some kind so there's just no risk.

Happiness and Worry...

A couple weeks ago, i ended up in the ER with an asthma attack. It really ended up being no big deal, but the short version of the story is i couldn't breathe and the doctor was worried whether the baby was getting enough oxygen, so off to the ER we went. First, before i forget, i have to say the staff at Sibley (which is where we'll deliver) were fantastic. I don't think they really have a clue what a busy hospital is, since they seemed a little stressed over 6-7 patients in the waiting room, but other than that, they were great. very attentive, very conscious of my concern for the baby. anyway, i received a breathing treatment, they monitored me for a while, checked the baby's heartbeat and off we went.

in the short couple hours we were there, i learned quite a bit about being a parent, i think. i guess i didn't understand exactly how much it was possible to worry about this little person i haven't even met, until then. i hadn't really had to give much thought to the immediate circumstances of my baby, at that point. i know that may sound a little ridiculous, but being pregnant means there's this little person inside of you, who's protected from all the wrongs of the world. of course, i worried that something would go wrong and i would miscarry, but even that feeling wasn't as panic-inducing as something like worrying if the child is actually getting enough air, right now, THIS second. now, the PA explained to me that baby takes his/her oxygen first, and so chances are he/she will be fine, and of course, now i know the baby is fine, but those few hours were the most terrified i've ever been. suddenly, the peace that's brought with knowing as long as the child is in your womb, its safe, was completely disrupted. i now felt like the womb was this gigantic wall between me and the answers to whether my child was okay. in those few hours, though, i think i really bonded with the baby. not that i didn't love the little one before that, i just felt so much more connected to him/her after the whole ordeal.

that day also seemed to bring some much needed peace to my mind about my body image issues thus far. i was suddenly okay with this belly and looking fat until i really pop, because my little one was in there. i can't even explain what really caused the transformation - and maybe its has just as much to do with me feeling like i look a little more pregnant, also - but i just walked away embracing the new body. i still think i look puffy, and i still feel fat at times, but the majority of time, i feel a bit of pride for what's going on. when i'm in bed, just laying there, and my belly is still as round and firm as when i'm up during the day, i feel a twinge of happiness. i know it may sound absolutely crazy, but the added weight and pooches have become a type of friendly reminder that i am pregnant and my baby is hanging out with me, just me. i rather like it.

Genetic Testing: The First Difficult Decision

Before I was pregnant, genetic testing wasn’t intimidating at all. By all means, test me, test the baby, test everything! All would be wonderful. However, once there was an actual person depending on my decision, things became a bit more difficult. There are so many options to choose from. Amniocentesis, which everyone seems to know about, would give a definitive answer, but also carried a risk of miscarriage. The same goes for Chorionic Villus Sampling, or CVS. So, the only realistic option left was the Ultrascreen. This was described to me as an in-depth ultrasound between weeks 11 & 13 and a blood draw combined with my age to calculate the risk of an anomaly. No internal testing, therefore no rate of miscarriage. So, off we went…

My first impression of the ultrasound was that I didn’t really get where the “in-depth” part came from. The tech took measurements of the folds of the neck (which can detect Downs), but there was no difference in resolution on the machine – still just a fuzzy little picture. However, the difference was in the development. At eight weeks, there was a little bean. At 12 weeks, ARMS, FINGERS, LEGS, a NOSE! Seriously, my baby put his/her hand up next to his face and I could actually count five little fingers. She cut flips and it looked like there was hiccupping going on (though the tech quickly shot that down). I thought I had a gorgeous baby at 8 weeks, but now, I was completely taken aback. An ENTIRE person was actually in there – inside of me! But that was it with the ultrasound. A few measurements and off we went. Now, the “blood draw” was simply a finger prick. But I thought the nurse was going to break my finger off as she squeezed out five little drops onto a piece of paper. But, that was it. Test complete and in a week, the results.

I spent the next week a nervous wreck. Luckily, I had an extremely crazy time going on at work and didn’t have much of a chance to dwell on it, but when Friday came around, I was anxious and terrified to hear the results. We would never terminate. We both whole-heartedly believe that isn’t a decision that is ours to make, but we still wanted to know so that we could be prepared and have treatment waiting if needed. The nurse gave the results: at my age (28), the average risk for Down’s was 1/736. After the test, my calculated risk is 1/8396. My calculated risk for one of the trisomies came out to 1/23,000….woo hoo! This doesn’t guarantee that it won’t happen, since someone in those figures is the “1”, but it means things are looking good.

Behold, the Bean that sprouted...

Why Didn't Someone Tell Me: Body Image Issues & Pregnancy?

I am now less than two weeks away from being finished with my first trimester. Overall, it has been a great pregnancy - no complications, no spotting, nothing really to write home about. I've been sick and have spent a couple days in bed, but i haven't thrown up (though, often i think i would feel better if i did) and i've been EXHAUSTED, which is completely normal. And, all this should be going away soon, so i've been told. we'll see. BUT, the thing that has caught me the most off guard is the sudden lack of confidence because of my body. My entire stomach is thick and squishy, and i have a pregnant pooch that looks more like a burrito baby than actual baby. and my breasts are HUGE. i had to go buy bigger bras today - a 34DD. what does that even mean? the sales lady put a size E on me, and said, oh, that's a little big. a LITTLE big?!? (yes, in Nordstrom they come in the room with you to fit you. um, thanks) someone shoot me, because i'm going to reach that E and probably far beyond.

Now, in my head and in my heart, too, i think its all wonderful. i am creating a person. a whole living, breathing, already kicking and hiccuping, person. he/she is INSIDE of me. its surreal. its incredible, but its awesome. i look at my belly and think, wow - how are you ever going to hold an 8lb baby? and i know that it will just make room. my organs will shift, my uterus will continue to grow, and everything will just happen. But, then i look down again and think, WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO MY BODY? i have 28 weeks left, and i am already feeling like a big, lazy piece of lard. and in that lack of confidence, i also feel shame. i hate that i am not simply overjoyed with every little change in my body. i feel like a selfish mother-to-be, and i just wish i knew how to shake it.

so, i think i just have to stick with it (obviously) and remember what's really happening. i'm banking on feeling better about everything once the nausea subsides, i get my energy back, and once i really start to look pregnant. so, we'll see. but in the meantime, my bean is the size of a fig now - getting to be so big already!