A couple weeks ago, i ended up in the ER with an asthma attack. It really ended up being no big deal, but the short version of the story is i couldn't breathe and the doctor was worried whether the baby was getting enough oxygen, so off to the ER we went. First, before i forget, i have to say the staff at Sibley (which is where we'll deliver) were fantastic. I don't think they really have a clue what a busy hospital is, since they seemed a little stressed over 6-7 patients in the waiting room, but other than that, they were great. very attentive, very conscious of my concern for the baby. anyway, i received a breathing treatment, they monitored me for a while, checked the baby's heartbeat and off we went.
in the short couple hours we were there, i learned quite a bit about being a parent, i think. i guess i didn't understand exactly how much it was possible to worry about this little person i haven't even met, until then. i hadn't really had to give much thought to the immediate circumstances of my baby, at that point. i know that may sound a little ridiculous, but being pregnant means there's this little person inside of you, who's protected from all the wrongs of the world. of course, i worried that something would go wrong and i would miscarry, but even that feeling wasn't as panic-inducing as something like worrying if the child is actually getting enough air, right now, THIS second. now, the PA explained to me that baby takes his/her oxygen first, and so chances are he/she will be fine, and of course, now i know the baby is fine, but those few hours were the most terrified i've ever been. suddenly, the peace that's brought with knowing as long as the child is in your womb, its safe, was completely disrupted. i now felt like the womb was this gigantic wall between me and the answers to whether my child was okay. in those few hours, though, i think i really bonded with the baby. not that i didn't love the little one before that, i just felt so much more connected to him/her after the whole ordeal.
that day also seemed to bring some much needed peace to my mind about my body image issues thus far. i was suddenly okay with this belly and looking fat until i really pop, because my little one was in there. i can't even explain what really caused the transformation - and maybe its has just as much to do with me feeling like i look a little more pregnant, also - but i just walked away embracing the new body. i still think i look puffy, and i still feel fat at times, but the majority of time, i feel a bit of pride for what's going on. when i'm in bed, just laying there, and my belly is still as round and firm as when i'm up during the day, i feel a twinge of happiness. i know it may sound absolutely crazy, but the added weight and pooches have become a type of friendly reminder that i am pregnant and my baby is hanging out with me, just me. i rather like it.
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