So that's what it's like...

So, today was a big day in this house for pregnancy. I felt - at least i believe i did - the baby's first kicks! well, i felt the baby's kicks for the first time. i'm nearly 18 weeks, and so part of me thinks that's a little early for a first pregnancy, but there's just no way to describe how i know it was a real baby kick. not gas (as all us pregnant women have) or hunger pangs, though i was hungry at the time, so maybe the baby was trying to tell me he/she wanted some chow. it felt almost like a little pulse up against my belly, twice, really quickly. not quite like a bubble, but similar. i haven't felt it since, but i am sure that was it. and i have to say, i really thought it may weird me out a little, but my only thoughts were, "please, do that again!" so, another milestone conquered - and the other cool thing... today is my grandfather's birthday. he died a little over a year ago, and i had been pretty sad today, but i think its awesome to get such a gift on this day. he would be incredibly excited.

Pregnancy Lesson Learned: No walking and reading

So, as usual, i was running out the door a few days ago for a function and grabbed my blackberry to read the directions i had sent myself. I had to find the email first, so i was scanning, searching and walking down the stairs all at once. I even thought to myself, like a responsible pregnant girl, that i really shouldn't be reading and walking down the stairs of my fourth floor walkup, or i should at a minimum hang on to the railing. Now, i imagine you can see where this is going, so i'll just come out with it...i fell down the stupid stairs. head first. my knees, right hip and right ankle caught me. i will admit i am having problems picturing that image and all that movement in my head, but that's how it happened. i missed a stair and just went down. the heel on my nearly brand-new cole haan pump caught the floor (i thought i had broken it), i hit my knees and ultimately landed on my right hip. my immediate reaction? i grabbed my belly and prayed. "PLEASE be okay," i begged God. in my heart, i knew the baby was most likely okay, but i felt like a horrible mom, and a COMPLETE IDIOT. really, that moment solidified my status as a klutz. especailly considering only moments before that, i had dropped the heavy end of my hairdryer onto my foot - the same foot whose ankle gave out when i hit. not a good day for the right side of my body. the kid probably enjoyed the ride and all the unexpected movement, but i would rather not do it again. of course, i called the doc, and he said everything was most likely fine. but the moment that made it very real was when he said if something was wrong, there wasn't much they could do about it at this point in the pregnancy (17 weeks at that time). so, really not a good idea to go falling down flights of stairs.

so the pregnancy lesson of the day? read the freaking blackberry while standing still, or really just to be safe, while sitting in a harness on a low couch or seat of some kind so there's just no risk.

Happiness and Worry...

A couple weeks ago, i ended up in the ER with an asthma attack. It really ended up being no big deal, but the short version of the story is i couldn't breathe and the doctor was worried whether the baby was getting enough oxygen, so off to the ER we went. First, before i forget, i have to say the staff at Sibley (which is where we'll deliver) were fantastic. I don't think they really have a clue what a busy hospital is, since they seemed a little stressed over 6-7 patients in the waiting room, but other than that, they were great. very attentive, very conscious of my concern for the baby. anyway, i received a breathing treatment, they monitored me for a while, checked the baby's heartbeat and off we went.

in the short couple hours we were there, i learned quite a bit about being a parent, i think. i guess i didn't understand exactly how much it was possible to worry about this little person i haven't even met, until then. i hadn't really had to give much thought to the immediate circumstances of my baby, at that point. i know that may sound a little ridiculous, but being pregnant means there's this little person inside of you, who's protected from all the wrongs of the world. of course, i worried that something would go wrong and i would miscarry, but even that feeling wasn't as panic-inducing as something like worrying if the child is actually getting enough air, right now, THIS second. now, the PA explained to me that baby takes his/her oxygen first, and so chances are he/she will be fine, and of course, now i know the baby is fine, but those few hours were the most terrified i've ever been. suddenly, the peace that's brought with knowing as long as the child is in your womb, its safe, was completely disrupted. i now felt like the womb was this gigantic wall between me and the answers to whether my child was okay. in those few hours, though, i think i really bonded with the baby. not that i didn't love the little one before that, i just felt so much more connected to him/her after the whole ordeal.

that day also seemed to bring some much needed peace to my mind about my body image issues thus far. i was suddenly okay with this belly and looking fat until i really pop, because my little one was in there. i can't even explain what really caused the transformation - and maybe its has just as much to do with me feeling like i look a little more pregnant, also - but i just walked away embracing the new body. i still think i look puffy, and i still feel fat at times, but the majority of time, i feel a bit of pride for what's going on. when i'm in bed, just laying there, and my belly is still as round and firm as when i'm up during the day, i feel a twinge of happiness. i know it may sound absolutely crazy, but the added weight and pooches have become a type of friendly reminder that i am pregnant and my baby is hanging out with me, just me. i rather like it.